Today we started off by asking how I was recovering from the surgery: the healing ear, balance, taste, and other symptoms. I was healing well!

Check Check. Is this thing on?

The external processor was handed to me and we went through the steps of attaching it to my head using the magnet (my head has a magnet!), turning it on, changing the battery, putting it to bed at night, etc.

Sound Mapping

First I am given a sheet to describe my tolerance of certain sounds (as in the picture).

I said: “Wow, weird.” after only a few beeps.

This was the first time that soundwaves were emanating away from my ear instead of inward… it was a different texture against the skin of my newly deafened ear. These outward vibrations were a strong contrast of the intense inward vibrations needed for a severe-to-profound hearing loss from before… it was against all laws of nature.

I pointed to the chart to indicate my level of volume tolerance with each of the beeps in a series of 20 beeps, then repeated the sequence for determining how soft these sounds could go.

First Moments of Sound

Those first moments of being connected to a CI have been tampered by the endless YouTube videos of a miracle that happened with a child or adults life as they hear sound for the first time. We had done our research and had realistic expectations, but nothing was to prepare us for what it really was. My boyfriend eagerly awaited the first moment, and oh how he was disappointed by my confused reaction.

The audiologist asked me to remove the hearing aid in my right ear. The transition from beeps to the speech was quite smooth and seamless and so much so that I didn’t even know that we were starting. The audiologist was rustling paper, moving a book, and I am thinking to myself, “what is she doing???”, meanwhile, I had this weird beeping electronic cloud of notes playing in my head. The audiologist said something and I responded. She said something again and I responded again…. and my brain went “wait…. did I just…. understand her”… I am not a fluent silent lipreader, but I can take a few of my cues from speechreading.

I suddenly noticed there was a very deep robotic voice amongst this digital clutter. My brain wasn’t connecting to the sound input to reality: the digital notes were not connecting to anything, the deep voice was subtle and not connecting to the female in the room… but it was beginning to sync with what I was reading from her lips.

She showed me a sheet of common speech sounds, covered her mouth and asked me which one she was saying. They were sounds like “eeeee” “Shhhhhh” “Mmmmmm“… No beans… I had no idea what kind of sounds she was trying to replicate as they were nothing but solid notes.

She listed off numbers 1-10 and asked for repetition with her face covered. I could understand these number perfectly!

She walked out the door and down the hall with the microphone that is connected to my CI. It was strange because as she clipped the mic and as she moved away, there was no real-life depth to the sound moving away or her actions. She said: “I am saying the number “five””. I yelled out, excited like a little school kid: “FIVE”!! Wow, that was so clear.

Super Mario World

My first impression was that I just landed into 2D Mario World and their 8-bit keyboard was playing continuously as the soundtrack to life, everyone sounded like either a robot form of Barry White or an autotune attempt on Cher’s voice, but something went technically wrong and words failed to be recognized. Nothing felt normal, my brain and other senses weren’t accepting this as it wasn’t only not right, and it wasn’t comfortable.

Despite my grimace, my boyfriend is still grinning from the fact that he sounds like Barry White.

Two Worlds Collide

We then tried on my hearing aid in the right ear while having the CI active in my left. One thing I noticed immediately was that people sounded human on my right hearing aid side, but I was picking up more information from life on my left. After wearing this as such for a day, I began to notice that there was a delay on the CI side compared to the hearing aid, so when someone was talking, it was as though two people were talking at once – what a mess! This was going to be a challenge!!!

Some Initial Wins

There is no doubt that I have started off doing fairly well, yet I had a far journey to travel with developing my new “normal”. There are certain levels where you can be on the CI activation day, and I was definitely near the high end of the success as I did understand some speech right out of the gate.

One thing that was perfectly right was a few of the soft sounds. I walked into the house and I just stood there and listened to the air purifier running in the background. Later, I heard the keys of my keyboard tapping, the jingle of the cat’s collar, a little finger tap on the table… The simple act of my hands brushing against the fabric of clothing led me to sit and be in this moment of nostalgia. How peaceful and delightful I find these soft sounds are somehow so accurate and so similar to that of what I once knew…. from a time I cannot even remember.

This Alien New World

That night I just lay in bed in tears. Although I had some clinical success, my new sense was so foreign, lacked depth, confusing, and was uncomfortable. I didn’t hear the mumbler at the table, I did not understand a female at the store, I could not hear two people talking, I could not tell male from female….. and music is some kind child banging on a keyboard. I had a long way to go, but I suddenly wondered if many of my hearing life goals were still achievable. I met all of this with mixed emotions: I have sound coming in through a deaf ear!!… but in a flat alien world. Tonight it is not a question of what my brain can do, it was… can I even do?

I have to remember why I wanted to do this in the first place. This gets better and I know it does as my brain evolves and adapts. I cannot wait to share what these sounds are like at different parts of the journey.

I truly treasure this gift. I feel blessed with every step because of the community of people who are joining me along the way. I know that I am not climbing this mountain alone.